那是我们都回不去的从前。

I have gone back to merbee.blogspot.com. Do visit me there if you're free :)

It happened two years ago with my previous blog. Now it happened again with my watch. I can't say how much it has affected me.. that someone will hate me so much. I can only hope that it is not any of my students.. cos I will be very hurt if it was one of those whom I care so much for.

Lessons to complete, remedials to start, deadlines to meet. As troubles fill my heart and the after-effects of the flu medicine cloud my mind, all I can hope for is that my kids will finally settle down and study hard for the exams without me worrying excessively. That's the only little joy I derived these days, hard work and time spent with my kids (not all though). All I wish is that they appreciate what we have done for them.

周杰伦《世界末日》

想笑来伪装掉下的眼泪
点点头承认自己会怕黑
我只求能借一点的时间来陪
你却连同情都不给

想哭来试探自己麻痹了没
全世界好像只有我疲惫
无所谓反正难过就敷衍走一回
但愿绝望和无奈远走高飞

天灰灰会不会
让我忘了你是谁
夜越黑梦违背
难追难回味
我的世界将被摧毁
也许事与愿违

累不累睡不睡
单影无人相依偎
夜越黑梦违背
有谁肯安慰
我的世界将被摧毁
也许颓废也是另一种美

好像要窒息了。I'm drained too.

It's been too long since I'm with a group of friends whom I can really laugh and do silly things with. We started with making weird animal sounds like 呱呱叫 and hooooot, then challenge our reflexes by making all sorts of signs with our left/right hands (and in the process, getting cramps in our arm muscles), pick up sticks without causing an avalanche of plastic monkeys and finally mining for gold with saboteurs hot on our heels. In fact, we played the miners game thrice!

It's okie to laugh out loud (the table nx to us will surely be louder anyway) and so we did, at each other's 迟钝ness, when our picks/lamps got broken and we couldn't mine anymore, and finally when the good prevails and the evil saboteurs had their just dessets (at Azabo Sabo =P). Even with the heavy moments when we shared the troubles we're each facing at work, the planning of fun activities for the coming hols (even if we probably wouldn't have time for all of them) made everything felt better instantly.

I really needed that boost of sanity. Thank you, dear friends.

我想我离开的时候，最想念的就是他们了。。。

心情一直处在紧张状态，一直很难真正的放松。从开学到现在，已经第二学期了，一直不间断地在工作。In fact, it's building right up to the peak now. 我快爆发了。

也许真的如妈妈所说的，I'm inefficient. 怎么做都做不完，连周末想和朋友吃个饭叙叙旧，都觉得有点guilty. 忙得却不是关于教课的事，不是忙着想想 how to teach better in class, or how to make the lectures or lessons more interesting, 或者找个时间和我那些 fail 到稀里哗啦的小孩谈谈，或就是简单的 being concerned about how they are getting on. 我无法兑现对他们说的：I'll always have time for you. 我到底有多少时间是花在他们身上的？难怪三个月了，还是没有找到可以谈心的小孩。有点难过 :(

当一个老师不能做好一个老师的基本工作时，是不是就该说再见了?

好想大哭一场啊。。。也许这样就会好一点了。

 

My prized find of the day!

http://www.edwintan.net/schtunes/hwachong/college/index.html#z

I found this link on the web while trying to get some ideas for my game. It has a compilation of HCJC college songs (mp3s and lyrics) - 华初校歌 (Chinese version!!)，只为那爱我愿，唱一首华初的歌，当你孤单你会想起谁... Just to name a few!

Listening to these songs reminds me of the past: singing the chinese school song every week, late nights of props-making in the amphitheatre and singing 细水长流, singing 唱一首华初的歌 during 谢幕 with tears in our eyes, arms around each other's shoulder and singing 只为那爱我愿 (my personal fav!) during MAF celebrations. Me with my poor eye-hand-leg coordination trying to dance to the tune of "Wild Wild West" (inner hand, outer hand, inner out grab pull!)...

I'm glad I found this site and these songs. They remind me how much I love the place where I learnt and grew. And why I'm back here 10 years later in a different capacity so that I can continue to learn and grow in these familar grounds.

Thank you, Edwin senior, whoever and wherever you are.

*After I posted this entry, my 04 kiddo told me that this edwin is his classmate! so it should be Edwin junior :)*

I didn't know when it started, but lunch boxes started to appear in front of the computer again... and without any notice, time for these lunch boxes disappeared as well. There are some possible solutions to this problem:

A) I should become a camel and store food from breakfast/dinner last night so that I can last the whole day.

B) I can be a plant and make my own food just by standing in the sun.

C) I can also consider to be the solar panel on my calculator.. can solve complex ionic equilbrium questions while feeding off the sunlight...

Unfortunately, there is only option D available for me: none of the above.

My most humble wish for the year shall be: to have my meals (if any) on a plate and not in a box.

Went to watch Stan Lai's 'Like Shadows' (如影随行) this afternoon.

In the play, a young lady, Zhen Zhen, dealing with the murder of her mother and the disappearance of her father is shocked when the latter mysteriously reappears, neither recognising his own daughter, nor aware of the death of his wife. Apparently, only Zhen Zhen and the imaginary friend of her childhood pal are able to see and converse with Dad (oh oh...). As the story unfolded, a web of strange events led to the unearthing of the 'shocking' truth (which you'll kinda expect from the beginning). Dad discovered that he had committed suicide after the killing of his wife (whom he mistaken for having a lover who turned out to be someone conjured out of her imagination for more than 20 years o.O) and is caught in limbo, lost in the transition between life and death. The twist comes at the end when he revealed that Zhen Zhen has been killed in a car accident when she was seven and this Zhen Zhen we are seeing is actually a soul who was saved by the boss of a bike repair shop (which in reality, repairs fallen angels that roam the earth). That explains why Dad does not recognise his daughter but does not explain how she could remain unaware of her circumstances for more than 10 years (she is at least 18 years when the story began) when only the boss and her childhood friend could see her all this time. The play ended with daughter and dad walking hand in hand into the twilight where mum is waiting.

This is a mystery thriller that explores the spiritual elements of life and death. But I feel that the storyline is typical of a family tragedy and even the twist didn't make much sense to me. However, the theatrical effects were stunning. Various media including video, music, prose and projection was integrated to create a multi-faceted and chameleon-like theatrical style. With visual projection, a layered visual effect was created as different backdrops was switched around to produce beautiful cinematic effects despite the simple stage setup. The 'composer's soul' who played the saxophone and piano was great and Bowie Tsang's (she's the imaginary friend) rendition of the song-poem was at least a touching end to the play which my mum fell asleep 15 minutes after it started. -.- 'nuff said.

 

 

 

幸福是要自己争取的，难道你不要吗?

这街上太拥挤 
太多人有秘密 
玻璃上有雾气 
在被隐藏起过去
你脸上的情绪 
在还原那场雨 
这巷弄太过弯曲 走不回故事里 
这日子不再绿 又班驳了几句
剩下搬空回忆的我在大房子里 

电影院的座椅
隔遥远的距离 
感情没有对手戏你跟自己下棋 
还来不及  仔仔细细
写下你的关于 
描述我如何爱你 
你却微笑的离我而去 

这感觉已经不对 
我努力在挽回 
一些些应该体贴的感觉 我没给 
你嘟嘴 许的愿望很卑微 在妥协
是我忽略 你不过要人陪

这感觉已经不对 
我最后才了解 
一页页不忍翻阅的情节 你好累 你默背 为我掉过几次泪 多憔悴 
而我心碎你受罪你的美 
我不配

昨天badminton session后去了CFA一趟。了解了“景物虽在，人事已非”是什么意思。

Audi里大多是生面孔，进去了有点不知所措。去看了percussion cupboard，还是很乱。反而有点熟悉的感觉。=）在乐团里的学生叫了一声Ms Wong, 觉得怪怪的，有一点identity crisis的感觉。嗨，时代已经过去了， 不属于我的了。

也许是时候说一声：再见。

 

 

Finally bought my Bleach comics yesterday!! The only thing is they have ran out of vol 26... I've to try and get it from somewhere else :( I'm also lacking in vol 14 and 15 for Fullmetal Alchemist as well.. *sigh*

Now the only problem is how to keep them out of sight of mum before she screams... :S Maybe I'll hide them in school ^_^

Anyway, I took out my stitches yesterday. It was painful!!!! But I can open my mouth bigger now :O bwahahaha! Hope I don't mumble anymore, people can't seem to understand what I'm saying >_<

Merry merry christmas! Ho Ho HO!! -pop party popper-

Last night a few of us had a mini countdown in an msn chatroom. It seems to be a tradition, to countdown online. We have been doing this for quite a few years, for starting from the time of #nusco irc channel if I didn't remember wrongly. At the comfort of your own home, minus sweaty bodies and deafening screams.  Life is good with technology -quotes LG commercial-

Anyway, my kiddo made me the picture above. It's nice of him to remember. He's the only student from 04 batch to send greetings this christmas. I wonder how the rest of my kiddos are doing in university. The boys should have "graduated" from NS academy by now. That reminds me that I still have a few student recommendations to write... *sigh*

I shall chiong finish all my recommendations when I go back to school from wed on so that I can play during the weekend! My last weekend of freedom... T.T

7 days to 2008... What have I done so far?

Time to take stock of what I've been up to. This holiday had been the busiest by far, with me camping out in school the whole of november due to PE duties. I swore never to complain about invigilation ever again, not after this experience. After that was more CCA stuff to settle till about 10 dec, but finally managed to find time to do some interesting stuff.

4 dec: went evail's house to bake cookies.. not bad for a first attempt! I almost thought we've made famous amos pale in comparison... ^_^

6 dec: watched Crazy Christmas concert. All the bigwigs of local theatre were in it. Hossan Leong was wacky as usual but then he's the best! Selena too :)

7 dec: went to 68 chalet. And had fun playing PS (and getting trashed at puzzle bubble =( ) and  bonding with the girls' club. My favourite students :)

13 dec: met up with by after VERY VERY VERY long. She looks young with her new short hair. Great to hear that she'll be gg overseas for another conference. I like it when my friends are doing well =) Had a great shopping session too and chilling over coffee at starbucks

14 dec: went to an egyptian restaurant along haji lane to celebrate yy's bdae with the rest of the gang. We concluded that it is bad for digestion to sit on the floor and crouched over our food as the table is too low -.-'' we went to Long Bar to throw peanuts again.. haha.. I think I still prefer my mango daiquirai from Wala (according to gar, its mango puree).

18 dec: took out my wisdom tooth. My face was swollen from that day on for the next week or so. I ate nothing but porridge, baked beans and fish. I thought I would die... (obviously I didn't)

23 dec: went to watch the movie "Warlords" with nusco peeps. Too many bloody scenes inside and Jet Li looks fat on big screen (or maybe cause we were sitting quite near to the front -.-). Went for dinner at Billy Bombers and almost died of overdose of fish and chips (fortunately I'm sharing with yuhui). It was DD's bdae so we had a very rich TCC choc logcake after that. I could die of over-eating I thought. But hey! I'm not complaining. This is much better than porridge any day >_<

In the meantime from 10 dec to now, I've watched more dramas/animes online then I've ever done in my life. I never knew I have that much of a couch potato in me. Here's a list of the shows I've conquered in about 2 weeks time:

Drama

1.Witch Yoo Hee (KJH!!)

2.Goong (re-watching KJH!! Didn't finish though, too long. Haha)

3.Coffee Prince (Eu Yoon Hye is still funny, I think she's good in cross-dressing. Still looks very cute though not so obviously girly as Mizuki in Hana Kimi)

(After these 3 shows, I decided that Korean shows are really too long and slow-paced for me. But hey! The people are good looking ok, even if they had gone under the knife.. haha)

4. Hana Kimi - Jap version (though the actors are not as good looking as the Taiwan cast, but the storyline is definitely better and funnier! The "panty-thief" dance by Nakatsu was so original! ROFL)

5. Gokusen (about a female school teacher who is the grand daughter of a Yakuza (Jap Mafia) boss. It's hilarious how she gets bullied by her delinquent students cos they don't know her true identity -.- But she turned them round eventually.. Kinda sth that I hoped to do too but my kiddos are really angels compared to them!)

6. Nodame Cantabile (It's a great show for lovers of classical music! I like CHIAKI SENPAI!!! -screams- I found a few other like-minded pals, evail, jh and christine!)

Anime

7. Bleach ep 80 (it's till 154 but I got tired of the bount's arc. The part where they went to Soul Society to rescue Rukia was damn good! I will go back to this some other time but I'm definitely gg to get the manga! Finally know which are the volumes I have after sorting out my books =) Kurosaki Ichigo! Ishida!!!)

8.Nodame Cantabile anime (Filled in some missing parts that are not in the live action drama. But it's just as good!)

That's all the shows I will watch for now. I'm running out of steam, although I really want to finish up Bleach. Next holiday perhaps. =)

This place is growing cobwebs. I could feel it when I come back here, after a long hiatus. For a long time, this is the place where I can vent my frustrations in relative peace. There is no need to explain, nor conclude. No need to be considerate for another's feelings but my own. No need for solutions as we are obsessed with problem solving all our lives. Yet, as the entries accumulate, I find it harder to write. It depresses me that I do have unresolved dead ends in life, and far too many gripes and complaints about happenings. So much like the next person whining about his/her unfulfilled life.

I guess it's the human nature to be greedy for what you can't have (as what I read from gar's blog). But I don't want to be like that. I want to want only what I need, to be happy for what I have, to be at peace with what I'm given. Maybe I can't do that yet, or even eventually. But nobody said life's (or myself) perfect. That's why I'm back to face all my memories, good or bad. Eventually, I may find something good out of them.

当张韶涵唱着《隐形的翅膀》时，你忽然说了一句：“我也希望有一双隐形的翅膀，带我飞过绝望”。

听你说这句话，我差点就哭了。那天看你吃力地拿着那些购物袋，心里真的很难过，才说去搭德士。结果你又为那两元的附加费唠唠叨叨了整天。这两天又无缘无故的找老爸吵架，我知道你这几天身体一定不舒服。很想安慰你，却不知道从哪里开始。这几天，你一直说如果你不在了，没有人照顾我。每次听你说这个，我都开玩笑的说你只是懒惰病。可是我心里知道，你真的也老了，虚弱了。知道你这么说一定是哪里不对竟，却不能为你分担你的痛苦。我希望我就是你的隐形的翅膀，就像你一直都是我的一样。借着看节目为借口大哭了一场，希望心里会好过一点。

我知道你什么都为了别人好，为什么就不能对你自己好一点？

 

I realised today that all I have now is work. Meaningful work no doubt, working with students and helping them excel. Seeing how they improve day by day, meeting deadlines for various projects that I'm in charge of, finding my place in the larger perspective of happenings in school.

Yet what have I left for myself?? Dinners, outings, exercise, fun activities that I used to enjoy? Nothing planned for a long time to come. I have no time nor energy left anyway. Wanted to ask a few friends to go out, but looking through my list, I realised that I have not contacted most of them for a long time. What right do I have to ignore them when I'm busy and only contact them when I feel like it? I feel bad doing that. I've lost many old friends, and have not been making new ones.

I've wondered for a long time, what I wanted to do with my life. Is this my answer?

I feel very sad all of a sudden. Cos as far as next year is concerned, it should be yes.

On one hand, I am buoyed by the kiddos' desire to learn and improve while on the other, I'm dishearted by how little time I have for all of them. Really, I wish to be with them through this difficult period of time, but sometimes, I just don't have the time with all the other random things we have to do - besides, there are so many weak ones out there. I'm usually so tired at the end of the day, that I'm not sure if I could be of any more help. I foresee tt i'll have even lesser time for them when term 4 comes cos i'll be involved in PE duties for the upcoming exams. Why do they get year 2 tutors to do it every year?? I really don't understand :( I'm so sorry, kiddos... Just hoping that lessons will end soon so that we can focus more on remedials.

That's what I love and hate about this job - I find myself so drained emotionally that I've no energy left for other things.